My first year of gradu ate school is com plete, and today -- possibly at this very moment, as you're reading these words -- I'm suffering through the Qualifying Exam that every student must pass in order to proceed to the second year.

Of course, if you're read ing this col umn later in the day I could be cele brating on the beach by now. Or still in bed, having slept through my alarm and missed the exam completely. If it's after 9 a.m. right now, could someone please call me to make sure I'm awake?

Barring such catastrophic oversleeping, I'll slog my way through a 100-item exam that tests not only my knowledge of the social work profession but also my proficiency in filling in those little bubbles on the Scantron form without breaking my trusty No. 2 pen cil. Four days later I'll be informed via email whether I passed (thereby allowing me to continue as a social work student) or failed (thus con firming that I should have pursued my childhood dream of being an elephant trainer).

All year my professors have done their best to pre pare us for the dreaded Qual ifying Exam, usually by reminding us how difficult it will be and how much anxiety we should be feeling about it. There's a lot riding on this exam because failure means that the student must drop from the program and promise to never again attempt to help another human being. After all, we wouldn't want our future social workers not to know how to help someone strug gling with debilitating anxi ety (talk to them) or family problems (talk to them) or anger issues (talk to them) or deep depression (I forget -- I hope it's not on the exam).

Wide range of topics The Qualifying Exam will cover a wide range of topics, from empowering communi ties to running psycho-educa tional groups to the finer points of elephant care and grooming (for extra credit). But there's so much that I learned this year -- both in the classroom and at my internship -- that will not be on the exam. Such as how to hide my lunch in the back of the refrigerator so that nosy psychiatrist at my internship won't steal it again. Or that sitting in the back of the classroom enables me to lean my head against the back wall and reach a peaceful meditative state during par ticularly boring lectures. I also learned that bringing apples to my professors does little to improve my grade (especially when they're bruised and slightly rotten -- the apples, not the profes sors) and that watching my favorite Disney movie (`` Dumbo'' of course) doesn't help with studying as much as I'd hoped.

The important thing about my first year of graduate school is that regardless of whether I pass or fail the Qualifying Exam, I'll have learned some valuable lessons about helping my fel low man and espousing val ues of social justice, integrity, and self-empowerment. Plus there's no way I'll fail because I've already stolen a copy of the exam and memo rized the answers. And like an elephant, I'll never forget them.

BILL ZUCK, a former Foxboro resident now studying in San Diego, forgets where he put his copy of `` Dumbo.'' If you can help this poor soul, e-mail him at wcz78(at)(at)yahoo.com.